Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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