You're my little dorito
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
