I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
