Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
