One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
