marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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