i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
