You made me cry and you don't even care
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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