I will die if light touches me.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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