I CAN MOONWALK!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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