I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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