i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
