there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
