Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
