when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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