totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
