hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
