He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
