Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
