Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
