i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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