I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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