I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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