YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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