I will die if light touches me.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
