Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize