Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
