Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
