Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize