What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
