My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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