Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm bleeding and have questions
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
