my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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