And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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