She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
