if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
