This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
