If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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