the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
