Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
