we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
is that a dick in a sweater?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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