I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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