it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize
