I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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