Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
