Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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