can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize