Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
