Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
that's an acceptable place to lick
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
