I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
