just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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