I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
