my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
