I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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