omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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