seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
one might say we're banned from that church
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
