Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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