I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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