i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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