I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
