I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize