I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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