I wish I could teleport
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
